She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
- Proverbs 31:25
Chemo starts next week. I'm ready!
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Friday, July 25, 2014
Letting Her Down
As a mother, our natural instinct is to protect our children. I remember when Grace was first learning to walk, I would follow behind her with my arms hovered around her so I could catch her the instant she fell. I didn't even want her to feel the pain from a scraped knee much less the pain from cancer.
Once I received the news that I had breast cancer, my heart went straight to Grace. What had I done to her future? I feel like I let her down. I put her at risk for something that can take her health away from her. My doctors have told me that she will need to start screening at 21 (10 years younger than I was when I was diagnosed). Her medical history has changed and it started with me.....she is not even three years old. The guilty feelings are very hard to get past. At 21, my hope for her is that she will be graduating from college with the world at her finger tips. I want her to be care free, and I don't want her to have to "interrupt her life" to go get screened -- or worse, treated -- for breast cancer. Instead, she should be worried about plans for a Friday night, not worrying 'is there something in my breast that is growing and could kill me.'
Gracie is so much like me. She sucks on her wrist just as I did as a little girl (who sucks on their wrist?). She changes her clothes multiple times a day, and she has the funniest facial expressions. She’s got a wide range of emotions and will go from 0-60 in a second! I hope breast cancer isn't something she gets..."just like me."
I am grateful that she is so little so hopefully she won't remember these awful days. On the other hand, I hate that she is so little because there have already been times when I can't hold her for a few days. It stings my heart when she asks me to hold her but I have to tell her "No, Mommy has a boo boo and can't pick you up." She doesn't understand, she just looks up at me blankly and holds her arms up and ask again. Why wouldn't I pick her? I always pick her up. I hope she doesn't think I don't love her anymore because I won't hold her.
My hope for Grace during this time is that she continues to be the "full of life" little girl that doesn't notice that she is only two. I hope that she continues to grow, learn, and conquer life. I hope I can look back in a year and see how she has matured, not because of my cancer, but just for the simple fact that she is growing up.
I love you, Gracie and her response would be "you're welcome."
Once I received the news that I had breast cancer, my heart went straight to Grace. What had I done to her future? I feel like I let her down. I put her at risk for something that can take her health away from her. My doctors have told me that she will need to start screening at 21 (10 years younger than I was when I was diagnosed). Her medical history has changed and it started with me.....she is not even three years old. The guilty feelings are very hard to get past. At 21, my hope for her is that she will be graduating from college with the world at her finger tips. I want her to be care free, and I don't want her to have to "interrupt her life" to go get screened -- or worse, treated -- for breast cancer. Instead, she should be worried about plans for a Friday night, not worrying 'is there something in my breast that is growing and could kill me.'
Gracie is so much like me. She sucks on her wrist just as I did as a little girl (who sucks on their wrist?). She changes her clothes multiple times a day, and she has the funniest facial expressions. She’s got a wide range of emotions and will go from 0-60 in a second! I hope breast cancer isn't something she gets..."just like me."
I am grateful that she is so little so hopefully she won't remember these awful days. On the other hand, I hate that she is so little because there have already been times when I can't hold her for a few days. It stings my heart when she asks me to hold her but I have to tell her "No, Mommy has a boo boo and can't pick you up." She doesn't understand, she just looks up at me blankly and holds her arms up and ask again. Why wouldn't I pick her? I always pick her up. I hope she doesn't think I don't love her anymore because I won't hold her.
My hope for Grace during this time is that she continues to be the "full of life" little girl that doesn't notice that she is only two. I hope that she continues to grow, learn, and conquer life. I hope I can look back in a year and see how she has matured, not because of my cancer, but just for the simple fact that she is growing up.
I love you, Gracie and her response would be "you're welcome."
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Why Cake in October?
It seems only natural that the first post should be about the title of the blog - Cake in October. Why did I pick this name for the blog? One of the first things I worried about when I was diagnosed was "how will this affect my children?" I am fortunate to have a strong support network and a good family (you all will never know how much you mean to me).
I think it is amazing how children process the world. James (my 5-year old) knows I am sick but doesn't understand what that means....his life hasn't changed that much. I have slowed down, and I have been to many appointments, but his everyday life has remained stable. As a Mom, I have always enjoyed experiencing Life through my children's eyes. My first experience with this "cancer journey" through James' eyes was during a conversation he had while at lunch with his teacher, Ms. Cathy. She was asking him questions and doing a quick check-in with James to see how he was feeling.
I think it is amazing how children process the world. James (my 5-year old) knows I am sick but doesn't understand what that means....his life hasn't changed that much. I have slowed down, and I have been to many appointments, but his everyday life has remained stable. As a Mom, I have always enjoyed experiencing Life through my children's eyes. My first experience with this "cancer journey" through James' eyes was during a conversation he had while at lunch with his teacher, Ms. Cathy. She was asking him questions and doing a quick check-in with James to see how he was feeling.
James: "My mommy is going to be so sick sometimes she won't be able to get off the sofa. I just hope she is better by October."
Ms. Cathy: "Why October?"
James: "It's my birthday and I really want my mom to eat birthday cake with me."
Ms. Cathy: "Well James, if your Mom doesn't feel good, do you know what you can do?"
James: "What?"
Ms. Cathy: "If your mom is too sick in October, you can freeze the cake and eat it later when she feels better."
James, happy with the explanation, skipped about the rest of his day. When we were eating dinner that night, he told me about the chat with Ms. Cathy.
Ms. Cathy: "Well James, if your Mom doesn't feel good, do you know what you can do?"
James: "What?"
Ms. Cathy: "If your mom is too sick in October, you can freeze the cake and eat it later when she feels better."
James, happy with the explanation, skipped about the rest of his day. When we were eating dinner that night, he told me about the chat with Ms. Cathy.
That's how I got the title Cake in October.
I'm not naive but I can pray and make small goals.
Goal #1: Eat Birthday cake with James in October:)
I hope and pray I will be well enough to eat cake with my sweet boy on his 6th birthday. I think it's so innocent and pure how James' five year old mind understands me being sick. I wish all he had to worry about through this battle was me eating birthday cake with him in October.
I'm not naive but I can pray and make small goals.
Goal #1: Eat Birthday cake with James in October:)
Picture of me with James on Jockey Ridge, Outer Banks June 2014.
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