Goal #2

Round two of chemo on Monday, August 25. Not looking forward to spending the week on the sofa. James has Parent Orientation Wednesday, August 27. I really want to go.  Goal number two- make it to Parent Orientation.

Update: I made it to Parent Orientation! 

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Eight Years

Photo Credit: Sarah Krepp 

"In sickness and in health"...when you say your wedding vows as 23- and 25-year olds, do you understand the belief and commitment of that statement?  Can you comprehend the love and selfless sacrifice it requires to live out your commitment to each other in sickness?  Daniel and I celebrated our eight year wedding anniversary this past Tuesday (August 12, 2014).

It was a good night but very different than what I anticipated for our eighth anniversary.  We had dinner and then watched our wedding video as a family.  As I was watching the video, I felt sad at times - it stung.  I was looking at our younger selves and thought "you two have no idea what is in store for you."  We have been through so much in our eight years and my sickness by far has been the most difficult.

I will never forget when I told Daniel the biopsy came back as cancerous.  The memory of his face as he came around the corner is frozen in my mind.  I knew it would break a little piece of his heart, and I knew our marriage would forever be changed.  As a result of my diagnosis, our marriage has been given a chance to grow into a deeper, more intimate Love.  I can't tell you how this will impact our marriage, but I can tell you that during the last month I have been reminded how serious Daniel took his marriage vows he made to me eight years ago.

I'm very proud to be Daniel's wife.  He loves me with such deep love.  I see it in the way he looks at me.  He looks at me with such a unique and intense Love.  I knew when we got married we would love each other, but I didn't understand the lengths that Love would stretch, and at times, carry us.  Even in our wedding video our Love looks immature - it's cute love.  Our Love now is a soulful, fighting, nothing-is-going-to-take-us-down partnership.  I'm so thankful to have Daniel  holding my hand as we fight this battle together.  I know we will cross the finish line together and stronger.  

Happy Anniversary Daniel, I love you.

Photo Credit: Sarah Krepp (She is wonderful, contact me if you want her info!)

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Big Sister

(Written on 7/29)

As I sit here on the plane headed home after a few days at Mayo Clinic (for Lisa's health), for just a minute, it feels normal.  I am looking out the window of the plane and all I can see below me are clouds and the moon rising over the clouds.  Lisa turned to me and goes, "it looks like heaven doesn't it?"  For a second, I find myself absorbed by the craziness of it all. How do you have two sisters that are in their early 30's and both sick? I have spent some of my energy on the "why's" and the anger has crept in at times, but it's not worth it and I quickly let it go.

Lisa and I have fun together.  Even though our last two "sister trips" were to Mayo, full of procedures and doctor visits,  it's not obvious to people around us that we have just come from two serious days at Mayo with the hope of better news.  The news is not awful – Lisa is not dying, but she's not better.  Yet, we still laugh.  Why can't the rest of the world laugh?  Why can we face such seriousness, but yet still love and laugh so intensely?  Whenever Lisa and I are together, multiple people will stop us and say "look at you girls laughing" and "so nice to hear the laughter."  Last night in the elevator of our hotel, a guy riding with us said "you girls sure are having fun".  Lisa took that chance to say "well, actually we both have cancer."  Based on the guys response (he literally about fell over), I don't think we will be sharing that tag line anymore.

Sometimes I get tired of people enjoying our laughter...if they only knew what we have been through and what we are about to go through.  I just want to say to them “you have no idea why we laugh.  We laugh to not cry, to stay strong, and to overcome this dark cloud that has been over our family for the last 2 years.”  Nothing makes sense about our relationship but the love of sisterhood.  When I am around my sister, I know God knew what he was doing when he made Lisa my big sister.  Even though I'm 31, got married first, and have 2 children (you would think that would earn me some sort of rank as "adult" in Lisa's eyes), she will always say "you'll never understand, you are just my little sister."  She loves me more than anything; our lives don't work without each other.  That's what is so awful about both of us experiencing this level of sickness – or is it a blessing to realize how truly and deeply we both love each other?

Lisa has taken a leave of absence from work to help me take care of my family and fight for my health. Her own illness has prepared her for this fight as she understands what I am going to face over the next year.  I am going to miss parts of James’ and Grace’s lives as I fight for my own, and if I can't be with them most of the time, I am so grateful that she is the one that will get that time with them.  I don't think I can truly express how much her friendship and sisterhood means to me.

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We Survived

Our week was crazy.

All three of the adults had infusions, and Gracie had eye surgery at Duke.  I wanted to document the week so when I look back in a year I can remember we all "survived!"

Monday, August 4 - I started chemo and spent the week recovering
Wednesday, August 6 - Daniel had his infusion for Crohn's Disease
Thursday, August 7th -  Grace had eye surgery (I was not able to go with her because of my compromised immune system.  Daniel handled this one on his own - he did AWESOME!!)
Friday, August 8th -   Lisa had her clinical trial infusion for HES and hit the one year mark for treatment (she started on 8/8/13)  

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Ready For Battle

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

          - Proverbs 31:25

Chemo starts next week.  I'm ready!

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Letting Her Down

As a mother, our natural instinct is to protect our children. I remember when Grace was first learning to walk, I would follow behind her with my arms hovered around her so I could catch her the instant she fell.  I didn't even want her to feel the pain from a scraped knee much less the pain from cancer.

Once I received the news that I had breast cancer, my heart went straight to Grace.  What had I done to her future?  I feel like I let her down.  I put her at risk for something that can take her health away from her.  My doctors have told me that she will need to start screening at 21 (10 years younger than I was when I was diagnosed).  Her medical history has changed and it started with me.....she is not even three years old.  The guilty feelings are very hard to get past.  At 21, my hope for her is that she will be graduating from college with the world at her finger tips.  I want her to be care free, and I don't want her to have to "interrupt her life" to go get screened -- or worse, treated -- for breast cancer.  Instead, she should be worried about plans for a Friday night, not worrying 'is there something in my breast that is growing and could kill me.'

Gracie is so much like me.  She sucks on her wrist just as I did as a little girl (who sucks on their wrist?). She changes her clothes multiple times a day, and she has the funniest facial expressions.  She’s got a wide range of emotions and will go from 0-60 in a second!  I hope breast cancer isn't something she gets..."just like me."

I am grateful that she is so little so hopefully she won't remember these awful days. On the other hand, I hate that she is so little because there have already been times when I can't hold her for a few days. It stings my heart when she asks me to hold her but I have to tell her "No, Mommy has a boo boo and can't pick you up."  She doesn't understand, she just looks up at me blankly and holds her arms up and ask again.   Why wouldn't I pick her?  I always pick her up.  I hope she doesn't think I don't love her anymore because I won't hold her.

My hope for Grace during this time is that she continues to be the "full of life" little girl that doesn't notice that she is only two.  I hope that she continues to grow, learn, and conquer life.  I hope I can look back in a year and see how she has matured, not because of my cancer, but just for the simple fact that she is growing up.

I love you, Gracie and her response would be "you're welcome."

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Why Cake in October?

It seems only natural that the first post should be about the title of the blog - Cake in October.  Why did I pick this name for the blog?  One of the first things I worried about when I was diagnosed was "how will this affect my children?"  I am fortunate to have a strong support network and a good family (you all will never know how much you mean to me).

I think it is amazing how children process the world.  James (my 5-year old) knows I am sick but doesn't understand what that means....his life hasn't changed that much.  I have slowed down, and I have been to many appointments, but his everyday life has remained stable.  As a Mom, I have always enjoyed experiencing Life through my children's eyes.  My first experience with this "cancer journey" through James' eyes was during a conversation he had while at lunch with his teacher, Ms. Cathy.  She was asking him questions and doing a quick check-in with James to see how he was feeling.

James: "My mommy is going to be so sick sometimes she won't be able to get off the sofa. I just hope she is better by October."

Ms. Cathy: "Why October?"

James: "It's my birthday and I really want my mom to eat birthday cake with me."

Ms. Cathy: "Well James, if your Mom doesn't feel good, do you know what you can do?"

James: "What?"

Ms. Cathy: "If your mom is too sick in October, you can freeze the cake and eat it later when she feels better."

James, happy with the explanation, skipped about the rest of his day.  When we were eating dinner that night, he told me about the chat with Ms. Cathy.

That's how I got the title Cake in October.

I hope and pray I will be well enough to eat cake with my sweet boy on his 6th birthday. I think it's so innocent and pure how James' five year old mind understands me being sick.  I wish all he had to worry about through this battle was me eating birthday cake with him in October. 

I'm not naive but I can pray and make small goals.

Goal #1: Eat Birthday cake with James in October:)

                                   Picture of me with James on Jockey Ridge, Outer Banks June 2014.

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