Big Sister

(Written on 7/29)

As I sit here on the plane headed home after a few days at Mayo Clinic (for Lisa's health), for just a minute, it feels normal.  I am looking out the window of the plane and all I can see below me are clouds and the moon rising over the clouds.  Lisa turned to me and goes, "it looks like heaven doesn't it?"  For a second, I find myself absorbed by the craziness of it all. How do you have two sisters that are in their early 30's and both sick? I have spent some of my energy on the "why's" and the anger has crept in at times, but it's not worth it and I quickly let it go.

Lisa and I have fun together.  Even though our last two "sister trips" were to Mayo, full of procedures and doctor visits,  it's not obvious to people around us that we have just come from two serious days at Mayo with the hope of better news.  The news is not awful – Lisa is not dying, but she's not better.  Yet, we still laugh.  Why can't the rest of the world laugh?  Why can we face such seriousness, but yet still love and laugh so intensely?  Whenever Lisa and I are together, multiple people will stop us and say "look at you girls laughing" and "so nice to hear the laughter."  Last night in the elevator of our hotel, a guy riding with us said "you girls sure are having fun".  Lisa took that chance to say "well, actually we both have cancer."  Based on the guys response (he literally about fell over), I don't think we will be sharing that tag line anymore.

Sometimes I get tired of people enjoying our laughter...if they only knew what we have been through and what we are about to go through.  I just want to say to them “you have no idea why we laugh.  We laugh to not cry, to stay strong, and to overcome this dark cloud that has been over our family for the last 2 years.”  Nothing makes sense about our relationship but the love of sisterhood.  When I am around my sister, I know God knew what he was doing when he made Lisa my big sister.  Even though I'm 31, got married first, and have 2 children (you would think that would earn me some sort of rank as "adult" in Lisa's eyes), she will always say "you'll never understand, you are just my little sister."  She loves me more than anything; our lives don't work without each other.  That's what is so awful about both of us experiencing this level of sickness – or is it a blessing to realize how truly and deeply we both love each other?

Lisa has taken a leave of absence from work to help me take care of my family and fight for my health. Her own illness has prepared her for this fight as she understands what I am going to face over the next year.  I am going to miss parts of James’ and Grace’s lives as I fight for my own, and if I can't be with them most of the time, I am so grateful that she is the one that will get that time with them.  I don't think I can truly express how much her friendship and sisterhood means to me.