It's Thanksgiving...but to be honest it feels just like a normal day. It was the first time in eight years that I didn't cook our Thanksgiving dinner. I'm very proud of Lisa, she cooked all the sides and Daniel handled the turkey. Lisa and Daniel have kept things going while I am sick, and I am very grateful for them. Since I was not able to do much because of my surgery, it allowed me to think and feel all sorts of new emotions. The first feeling I felt was Anger - Why did this have to happen to me and my family? Why have we had so much cancer thrown at us? I want answers but what I have learned is you don't get answers. You Trust, you walk in Faith, true gut wrenching fighting Faith. Once I got over the "why's and the poor me's," I felt something I've never experienced...the pressure was off of me. No-one expected ANYTHING from me. They were just happy to have ME present and eat dinner with them. I think that's the thing I've missed in the past; my family just wants ME. The real ME, not the pressure filled "everything has to be perfect" vision of myself I have created in past.
The feeling of no pressure was very liberating. What came to mind was the 60's "bra burning," and let's be honest it's not like I need a bra right now :) I still am trying to figure out what all this means. This morning I was asking myself "is all this worth it?" Not just cooking the Thanksgiving meal, but everything else, the spending hours in the kitchen cooking healthy meals during the week, keeping a clean house, worrying about my appearance, making the hard parenting choices, and just generally trying to be a good person. I felt like I did all those things before and for what...I still got cancer.
Tonight I went to set the table and Daniel had already set it. I looked around: dinner was cooked, everything was done, and all I had to do was sit down. I was the first one to sit at the table and Daniel served me my plate. Looking around the table and admiring all the work that went into making Thanksgiving dinner, I realized all MY hard work over the last eight years led us to this moment. I decided it was ALL worth it. I'm so proud of my family and how each one of them has handled the last few months.
Happy Thanksgiving!
"No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up and never give up." -Regina Bret
In honor of choosing to "show up" each day and do my best, I posted my first picture of myself just as I am right now !
The feeling of no pressure was very liberating. What came to mind was the 60's "bra burning," and let's be honest it's not like I need a bra right now :) I still am trying to figure out what all this means. This morning I was asking myself "is all this worth it?" Not just cooking the Thanksgiving meal, but everything else, the spending hours in the kitchen cooking healthy meals during the week, keeping a clean house, worrying about my appearance, making the hard parenting choices, and just generally trying to be a good person. I felt like I did all those things before and for what...I still got cancer.
Tonight I went to set the table and Daniel had already set it. I looked around: dinner was cooked, everything was done, and all I had to do was sit down. I was the first one to sit at the table and Daniel served me my plate. Looking around the table and admiring all the work that went into making Thanksgiving dinner, I realized all MY hard work over the last eight years led us to this moment. I decided it was ALL worth it. I'm so proud of my family and how each one of them has handled the last few months.
Happy Thanksgiving!
"No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up and never give up." -Regina Bret
In honor of choosing to "show up" each day and do my best, I posted my first picture of myself just as I am right now !
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| Helping Titi with the sides. |
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| Basting with Dad. |
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| Gracie and Daniel making rolls. |
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| So proud of my sweet boys! |
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| Happy to all be together! |
Just reading this now, Lori. I love your thoughtful reflections here and appreciate being able to read them. It seems sometimes like there is some peace in surrendering when there is so much out of a person's control. Thank you for writing. I love your smiles in the last photo. I think your children are very happy to be in the family they are in!
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