As a mother, our natural instinct is to protect our children. I remember when Grace was first learning to walk, I would follow behind her with my arms hovered around her so I could catch her the instant she fell. I didn't even want her to feel the pain from a scraped knee much less the pain from cancer.
Once I received the news that I had breast cancer, my heart went straight to Grace. What had I done to her future? I feel like I let her down. I put her at risk for something that can take her health away from her. My doctors have told me that she will need to start screening at 21 (10 years younger than I was when I was diagnosed). Her medical history has changed and it started with me.....she is not even three years old. The guilty feelings are very hard to get past. At 21, my hope for her is that she will be graduating from college with the world at her finger tips. I want her to be care free, and I don't want her to have to "interrupt her life" to go get screened -- or worse, treated -- for breast cancer. Instead, she should be worried about plans for a Friday night, not worrying 'is there something in my breast that is growing and could kill me.'
Gracie is so much like me. She sucks on her wrist just as I did as a little girl (who sucks on their wrist?). She changes her clothes multiple times a day, and she has the funniest facial expressions. She’s got a wide range of emotions and will go from 0-60 in a second! I hope breast cancer isn't something she gets..."just like me."
I am grateful that she is so little so hopefully she won't remember these awful days. On the other hand, I hate that she is so little because there have already been times when I can't hold her for a few days. It stings my heart when she asks me to hold her but I have to tell her "No, Mommy has a boo boo and can't pick you up." She doesn't understand, she just looks up at me blankly and holds her arms up and ask again. Why wouldn't I pick her? I always pick her up. I hope she doesn't think I don't love her anymore because I won't hold her.
My hope for Grace during this time is that she continues to be the "full of life" little girl that doesn't notice that she is only two. I hope that she continues to grow, learn, and conquer life. I hope I can look back in a year and see how she has matured, not because of my cancer, but just for the simple fact that she is growing up.
I love you, Gracie and her response would be "you're welcome."
Once I received the news that I had breast cancer, my heart went straight to Grace. What had I done to her future? I feel like I let her down. I put her at risk for something that can take her health away from her. My doctors have told me that she will need to start screening at 21 (10 years younger than I was when I was diagnosed). Her medical history has changed and it started with me.....she is not even three years old. The guilty feelings are very hard to get past. At 21, my hope for her is that she will be graduating from college with the world at her finger tips. I want her to be care free, and I don't want her to have to "interrupt her life" to go get screened -- or worse, treated -- for breast cancer. Instead, she should be worried about plans for a Friday night, not worrying 'is there something in my breast that is growing and could kill me.'
Gracie is so much like me. She sucks on her wrist just as I did as a little girl (who sucks on their wrist?). She changes her clothes multiple times a day, and she has the funniest facial expressions. She’s got a wide range of emotions and will go from 0-60 in a second! I hope breast cancer isn't something she gets..."just like me."
I am grateful that she is so little so hopefully she won't remember these awful days. On the other hand, I hate that she is so little because there have already been times when I can't hold her for a few days. It stings my heart when she asks me to hold her but I have to tell her "No, Mommy has a boo boo and can't pick you up." She doesn't understand, she just looks up at me blankly and holds her arms up and ask again. Why wouldn't I pick her? I always pick her up. I hope she doesn't think I don't love her anymore because I won't hold her.
My hope for Grace during this time is that she continues to be the "full of life" little girl that doesn't notice that she is only two. I hope that she continues to grow, learn, and conquer life. I hope I can look back in a year and see how she has matured, not because of my cancer, but just for the simple fact that she is growing up.
I love you, Gracie and her response would be "you're welcome."
You know what, maybe by the time Grace is 21 they will have a much different way of diagnosing and treating cancer. And I'm sure that if she could really understand what is going on she would tell you that you are NOT letting her down.
ReplyDeleteLori, you are as eloquent as you are beautiful, as insightful as you are brave. And there is no doubt that Grace has inherited each of these extraordinary qualities from you.
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